I used to be a victim. A perfect one. I mastered my ability to blame other people and outside circumstances for everything that was happening to me. I was a Pro at victimhood, and I knew best how to interpret life events and people’s actions so I could feel like crap. Miserable and powerless. Unappreciated, unlovable, worthless and fearful. Yes. That was me.  And not that I wanted to feel this way but I chose to feel this way anyway because it put me in a position where I did not have to take responsibility for anything happening in my life, and as a bonus, I could complain and people would listen, sympathize and feel sorry for me.

So, I voluntarily gave up my power and lived a sad life of someone who barely moved through the motions. For many, many years. Until I got a wake-up call. A vicious one. One that was screaming in capital letters: if you continue to live like that, the game will be over soon. I had cancer and that message kind of hit me. So, I grabbed my power, I took charge, I faced my demons, I revised my beliefs system and took responsibility for my life. Right away. I did it fast. No hesitation, no looking for sympathy. I did not even blame cancer for picking me for its host. I was so motivated by the message of potential death that I forgot to complain and brag about my unhappiness and unfairness of life. Instead, I began to fight for my life full power. Suddenly, my survival instinct kicked in and made me a superhero a/k/a a responsible adult. In no time, I shifted from a victim mentality into a mode of a mature adult. First time in my life, I took full responsibility for my own thoughts and the way I decided to think about my circumstances. I began to watch my thoughts like a hawk. I would choose all the negative ones and either threw them away or changed them. I would identify disempowering thoughts and beliefs and rewrite them, replace them with some powerful, inspiring ideas. This was a game changer and it put me in a position of a super power. I kid you not. This one shift in mentality, from a victim into a responsible adult, changed my whole life. I even secretly believe, it helped me beat cancer!

So, what am I trying to say here? Well… For some messed up reason, people love going into a victim mode. Not because they like to feel bad, but because it allows them to move responsibility for those bad feelings they feel onto other people or outside circumstances. Victim mentality is a tricky one. It directly makes you feel bad, but it also gives you tools to shift blame for those bad feelings from yourself onto something outside of you, so you can get a temporary relief. It strips you of your power, makes you literally powerless so you can tell the world: “I cannot change anything in my life because it is not me who is in charge. They are: my ex-husband, bad neighbor, stupid boss, cancer, coronavirus… all these people and circumstances that exist out there to hurt me”.  See the paradox of such thinking? I hope you do.

To make it a bit clearer, I will now explain what the opposite of victim is. It is called a mature, responsible adult. It is a human who takes his life seriously. He has integrity, he knows who he is and what he wants. He is solid in his beliefs which are his foundation, his support in all his dealings. It is a human who lives an empowered life; a human who does not react but rather responds to life events and people’s actions. Responsible adult manages his thoughts. He interprets everything that happens in his life from the position of full power and charge. This human decides what things will mean in his life, and he lives with this interpretation being fully content. And let’s be real: thigs are not always pretty, but our responsible adult accepts them anyway. They are what they are and if he cannot change them then he will change his thinking, his feelings and his reactions to them. That way, he will gain control over something that is seemingly out of control. Yes, it is a trick, but isn’t it much better than a tricky victim mentality?

You may say it is hard. And you will be right. But you may also decide that the shift from victim mode to a responsible adult should be a fun process. And you will be right, too. The shift happens in our minds. It happens in our thinking. There is no one else but us who have the ability to manage our thoughts. We can make it difficult or fun and easy. The decision, how we want to shift, is totally ours. The only thing that can happen will be our stubborn mind that would go back to the old, familiar mode. This may be a little discouraging, but if you decide to go with the fun option, you can make it into an exciting mind game for a change.

Our minds like novelty, but what they like even more is familiarity. Novelty is fun but it is also a threat to a status quo (even if the status quo is an actual threat to us). Familiar is what brain will always defend. Any shift will be met with resistance, but trust me, it will be temporary. It is a process to change your life after all. A life that you lived in a victim mode for …. all your life? So, your brain is quite used to victimhood and its questionable benefits. It considers it to be a current software. Your sudden desire to shift may be detected as a bug. Installing a new software will take time and there is no way around it. There may also be hick-ups and other delays during the installation process. This is just the way it is. Wake-up calls speed thing up, but trust me, you do not want to receive one.

How do you start then? Well, let me remind you that everything starts with awareness. It starts with the knowing what is really going on in our minds and our lives. To get that knowledge you need to start watching your thoughts, you need to pay attention to your habits and daily practices. What are they? And why do you have them? How do they serve you? What is missing? What would you like to have in your life that you do not have? What is stopping you from reaching for your dreams? How in charge are you? What can you do to become fully present in your life? How does it feel to take responsibility?

In coaching, we ask questions. We do that, because a powerful question can deliver an answer that will turn into one big aha moment for a client. And when that happens, people suddenly begin to notice what they need to do to own their lives. They start to tap into their potential and experience a feeling of coming home. To themselves. They connect with who they are and what they are capable of. This is a moment of power. Living from that space has nothing to do with victimhood. In fact, the very idea of giving up power so someone can feel sorry for us, feels repulsive. Because once you take charge and have all the power you do not want to give it away. So, please ask yourself those questions. Get to the bottom of why you are avoiding responsibility for your life. Once you get that, introduce a shift. And then just live a life of power. You are not going to regret it. I promise you that.